Happy Birthday to me and some math

It’s my Birthday tomorrow. I’ll be 38. When I was young that seemed so old. But I don’t feel 38. I don’t think I look 38. But, alas, I am 38. 

I am not depressed about turning another year older. Maybe that’s because I feel like I am improving my life.  This upcoming RNY surgery will be one way, and another is that I am 1/3 of the way with completing my second Master’s degree. The first I received while working full-time, and I thought that was hard.  Now I am juggling being a single mommy, full-time employee, homeowner, and trying to carve out time to spend with my BF. Oh, and so so so many hours researching for this surgery. This Master’s means so much more to me because of all the other stuff I have going on! My first Masters program I graduated with a 3.94 GPA.  I currently have a 3.3, a B+, but I am thrilled!

These things got me to start thinking a lot about numbers, and how they are all relative. You’d think I’d be more depressed turning 38 than lets say 32…but boy for some reason 32 hit me hard.

You’d think I’d be more excited by my 3.94 than by my 3.3, but not the case. 

See, numbers don’t tell the whole story.  I weighed myself this morning and I am 227 pounds. What does that say about me, really?  Will I be different at 199?  Or if I reach 150?  I don’t think so. Yes, healthier, yes more confident? But will I be that different? I guess only time will tell, but I can say I really like who I am now, and I hope that won’t change.

For my birthday I am going to spend the day with my daughter and the evening with my boyfriend to see a movie and perhaps a bite to eat.  I am happy that I am turning another year older and have wonderful people in my life. I am truly blessed.

Promise Walk

I have been overweight to obese my entire adult life, since about the age of 22/23. This has never hindered me in any majorly significant way until the birth of my daughter.  I was always able to get jobs, get boyfriends, get married (get divorced), get educated. My health was always tip-top. Until I got pregnant at 33. As I mentioned before I developed a pretty serious case of preeclampsia and HELPP syndrome. I nearly dies. My daughter nearly died from complication of prematurity. Thinking that this might have been caused by my weight still makes me sad and angry at myself. But, in all honesty researchers don’t really know what causes these medical issues during pregnancy. I am walking on June 1st in the Promise Walk, the first ever in my area.  Even though I am soooo out of shape I am going to walk for women like me and for the women who didn’t survive and for the babies born too soon because of these syndromes.

 

 

Image

Looking around and shaking my booty

I look around a lot. I scan places I go for certain things.  Am I the biggest person in the room? The biggest woman?  Is the room crowded? Can I find a place to sit? Are there stairs? Lots of stairs?

All because of my weight.  I don’t think of my weight all the time but many of my decision I make are because of my size. Where I vacation. Where I can shop for clothes. What activities I am comfortable taking my daughter to. I cannot wait for the day my weight will not be a hindrance to me or my loved ones.

Something recently happened that makes me really sad.  My daughter takes dance lessons, and like most dance centers there is a recital at the end of the year. Her dance center also has a mother/father dance.  So there are practices for the parents who want to participate and at the end of the recital the parents get up and do there dance. Such a cute idea. And I didn’t sign up. Not because I can’t dance (I danced throughout elementary and junior high and loved it!) but because of my size.  There are 2 other “larger” moms who are doing the dance, but I feel SO self-conscious I did not sign up. I know my daughter who is 4 will be disappointed I didn’t participate, but my promise to her and myself is that by next June, my a** will be up on that stage, shaking my booty!

 

WLS Community- THANKS!

I have truly been blessed. Since starting this blog just a few short days ago I have gotten so much support from other bloggers and readers who are either pre-op or post op WLS surgery.  And also others who are just plain ole’ supportive even if they are not contemplating surgery.  I have written how some of my friends and family have not been my biggest cheerleaders so having this as an outlet to vent, or inform, ramble or ask questions is wonderful! Thank you to all of you who are reading.

Blue

I am feeling blue today. Not any one thing in particular but several. I found out that I was only hired back to work 1 of my usual 2 summer jobs (I am a ten month employee, and only get paid 10 months) so this will set me back financially. As a single mom and on a small salary I live paycheck to paycheck. And I honestly don’t know what I will do over the summer to make ends meet. So that has me worried. Also, I had the second part of my sleep study done last night, this time with a CPAP mask. I still feel tired and I hated the mask. I don’t think I will use it once I get home. And hopefully won’t need it after surgery. But what if I do need it after surgery? Now I am upset/depressed about that.  And to top it off I had an argument with my boyfriend. I am a go-getter. Working on my second Master’s so that I can eventually get a better paying job. I am also improving my health by getting this surgery. I also am raising my daughter and paying for her pre-k, daycare, dance lessons all by myself because I don’t want her to go without.  And, I do not complain, I do this all while working 40 hours a week.

He is not as motivated as I am. Hates his job, but won’t look for opportunities elsewhere and is full of excuses.  He is a wonderful father-figure to my daughter and a nice guy. But sometimes I wonder if we are to dissimilar to make things work.  Sometimes when we argue I have these daydreams that I get skinny and beautiful and leave him. That’s not right.  And then I get upset at myself for thinking these thoughts.

Work is slow right now. I work at a University and all the students are gone until summer classes start up again. So I am left at my desk to just dwell on things.  In the past I would usually over-eat to stuff my feelings, but I am trying hard not to go back to old habits. It is so hard not to.

 

 

I hate when I get like this, which is not often.  I am thinking of going to a WLS support group.

Maybe talking to others will hep me.

Image

Reactions from friends…And why I am no longer telling people I know I am having WLS

Telling people you are having WLS, in my opinion, is a personal matter.  I have told some, and now I wish I had not.  These are reactions of some  people I have told.

Mom: She is obese and diabetic: She is worried about complications, but seems generally supportive. But she would not dissuade me even if she thought it was a terrible idea. That’s just how my mom is.

Best-Friend # 1: She is morbidly obese and diabetic had mentioned getting banded a couple years ago. She scoffed at the idea when I told her about RNY. Told me her doctor is against WLS, and abruptly changed the subject.  A few months later we were talking about it again, she brought it up not me (I learned my lesson!) and she asked if I was worried I would have loose skin and look old. I said no, I look far younger than I am and am not worried. She hasn’t brought it up since.

Best-friend #2. Had RNY 3 years ago. Has lost over 100 lbs but is still obese. But she started off at a very high weight.  She is super supportive. Came with me to my first informational meeting and answers all my questions! She is totally behind me 100 %

Aunt: Overweight perhaps bordering on obese. I did not tell my aunt, but she saw a post my friend wrote on my FB before I told my friend I wasn’t going to tell everyone I know about my decision to pursue surgery (she did, but that was her decision) So, before I deleted it, my aunt figured out I was looking at getting the surgery. Since then she has told me three horror stories of WLS, gives me incorrect stats and info, and just yesterday told me of a friend of a friend who nearly died from the band.  Mind you my aunt exaggerates and after several questions I surmised she was making half the S%#t up.

Boyfriend: A little overweight, excited, and supportive!

So, My boyfriend thinks friend #1 and Auntie are both jealous. Is it that simple? Are they afraid of what will happen to me, like I will die or have complications.  Well lets dissect. Friend #1 never mentioned complications, just cosmetic issues. So, maybe, just maybe jealously plays a factor. We were skinny together and then got fat together. So maybe that has some truth to it. But, why be jealous. When my friend#2 had her WLS I wasn’t jealous, I was happy for her!

My aunt keeps mentioning complications, but is a very vain woman. I can totally see her trying to put fear into me to stop me from having it.  But in reality who knows what peoples motives are.

So for now, I am not telling anyone else. I cannot surround myself with negativity or keep defending my decision especially to people who are uninformed or worse Misinformed. I have researched for months and really do not need to be lectured to.

Sorry for that mini-rant. It has been burning me up all night and day what my aunt was saying. And it was Mother’s day too! I just wanted to hang out with the moms in my family with my little girl and enjoy the day but instead I get lectured to.

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I feel better!