Almost 3 years later…

Where to begin…On August 22 2013 I had RNY.  My highest weight that I can remember was 230 pounds.  I am currently 165.  My lowest after surgery was 142.  I have bounce up 23 pounds.  And I am not happy.  I am back to keep myself accountable and to let others know that no matter what surgery you have, it’s not a cure, there is no magic pill and the struggle to keep the weight off will always be a real one.

I started Weight Watchers and I want to chronicle my journey here- because I have come such a long way and don’t ever want to be that 230 woman ever again.

I also want to catch you up on what’s happened after all these months.

Well, wish me luck!

Since I Last saw you…

It has been so long since I last posted.  My life has been so busy, busy with jobs, my daughter, and just summer-y things.  All good stuff!

I got the library position for the summer, and that has been going great! My last day is the 13th and I have enjoyed my experience there.  I also worked another PT job at the university working with incoming freshmen as a mentor of sorts. That ends on the 5th.

Along with working 2 PT jobs this summer- my actual job (Which is a ten-month position) is going through some changes- mainly office space.  I get a new office- one with a better view but smaller.  I was a little ticked at first- but I figure I’ll be shrinking too so maybe it will be ok! 😉

So my surgery date is August 22! I cannot believe it! I have had many appointments and a few left to go…Here is a rundown

1. Pulmonologist- Passed

2. Psy Eval- Passed

3. Weigh-ins/three months needed- CHECK!

4. Pre-surgical testing- today

5.  Primary doc clearance- Tuesday

6. Cardiologist- Thursday

7. NUT- August 14th

WOW- I cannot believe the date is coming by so fast- when I started this journey I really thought the day would never come- and now that it is here I am nervous/excited/scared/overwhelmed/joyful/ too many emotions to express.

I didn’t have to lose weight for my insurance or doctors orders, but was told not to gain. I had to follow a three month supervised diet, I lost a total of 3 pounds- LOL a pound a month! This actually shocked me because I thought my eating would be out of control- but it really isn’t. I plan on going to a few of my favorite restaurants this last month to have one last hurrah.

How did you feel as your surgery date approached? Or for pre-ops how are you feeling?

I still need to tell a few close family members I am having the surgery and I am nervous at what their reactions are going to be. I really want to surround myself with positivity these last few weeks.

Sometimes I think- why am I having this surgery- can’t I just LOSE it on my own?  Or I look in the mirror and I see someone who is not that big.

But then I remember all those times I lost on Weight Watchers- just to gaining it back. Or I see myself in a photograph and I am reminded that I REALLY am 100 pounds overweight.

So, my friends, the date is approaching- It still hasn’t sunk in.  But I am hoping for great things to come!

Planning and luck and change

I work as a ten month employee at a University.  Every year my supervisor has given me the opportunity to teach a summer class so I could make ends meet.  This year, only a few weeks prior to the class starting, she informs me I will no longer be teaching.  I was devastated.  Thankfully I have some of my tax return money that I can use to pay the bills come summer break (June 16-August 15)

Then today I got some news.  I was asked to interview for a PT position on campus.  It won’t make nearly the same amount of money I would teaching, but it is in the library! (Did I mention I am getting my second Masters in Library Science!) And this would give me some hands on experience I would need once I start looking for jobs after I graduate.    I haven’t gotten the job yet, but it has made me start thinking about planning and opportunities, fate and luck.  I firmly believe we make our own luck.  But we need to always be on the lookout for opportunity and be prepared for it.

This summer I am also preparing for my surgery on August 22. I am excited and scared, but I have made sure to do my due diligence and plan as much as I can.  So much change going on in my life this summer.  I can’t hardly wait!

 

 

So honored!

As you can tell by my handle, and if you have read previous blog posts, I am a mom to a preemie.  And today, I have just been asked to chair a big event (Precious Preemies Fashion Show)  for our local chapter of the March of Dimes! I am so thrilled! It is such an honor!   Here is a pic from last year’s event…

 

A brain, a heart, the noive…

I got a letter from my surgeon’s office today, I am scheduled in July for my cardiology appt.  It also said I should be getting letters for my psych eval, NUT and the like soon.  Made me think of the Wizard of Oz.  In a sense I am like the 4 main characters.  Like the scarecrow (my favorite character)  I need a brain- or at least a psch eval.  Like the Tin Man I need a heart (cardio eval) like the Lion- I now need the nerve to go through it all. And like Dorothy, I hope this journey leads me home. 

Midnight Snacking

I don’t do every-night. Or, all that often. But when I do. It’s pretty bad. And by bad I mean I consume A LOT of calories. Yes- midnight snacking and me go way back.  When I was little and skinny I did it.  When I was in college and skinny I did it.  And now in the cloak of darkness when everyone is asleep I will do it. Chocolate and cheese are my usual go-to foods.  Sometimes crackers or chips and chocolate.  I get into this vicious cycle of salty and sweet.  At first it’s dignified, a little of this a little of that. But before I know it I am just shoveling it in.  It’s disgusting.  Sometimes I do it when I eat an early dinner.  Then I am too embarrassed to get something else to eat in front of my boyfriend. So I think I’ll be fine, but by 11 or 12 I get a ravenous hunger. I could eat something light. But no I choose the salty and sweet.  The fatty and processed.  And the cycle starts again.  Today I decided after a late night binge last night, that I will not do that ever again.  My life is going to change forever on August 22, but I need to start making changes now!

Spa Day

A few months ago I won a certificate for a local spa worth 100 dollars. It was a fancy pants Spa, one I could not afford without the certificate, so I decided to treat myself and use some of my birthday cash (yes, my parents still gift me cash!) and my certificate and head to the Spa as a birthday present to me! All in all it was a great day! I got a fab pedi and a magnificent facial.  But there were a couple of things that I have to address:

1.  The Robes! 

I came in and was greeted warmly and shown all the facilities, hot tub, sauna, terrace where I could dine and lounge etc.  Then I was given a robe and told to change into the robe and head to the “resting area” that looked like a beautiful roman bathing area.  Problem. They gave me a size LARGE robe, which I guess for most they would consider a one size fits all.  But, um. Not me People! Did they not look at my large ass? LOL So , embarrassed and slightly pissed I put my clothes back on and had to locate someone who could help me. “Can I get a larger size please?” I whispered as I sheepishly raised the robe towards the women. “Of course” she said, as she looked at me.  I could not figure out what her look expressed then, and I still can’t.  I, of course, thought the worst. She probably thinks I am a fat ass that doesn’t belong.  But maybe not. Who knows, all I know is I’ll put that on my bucket list for something to look forward to after surgery. Fitting into things that are meant as a one size fits all.

2. The hot tub/pool

Calling the hot tub they had a hot tub would be an understatement, it was more like a very heated beautiful tropical pool.  I brought my swimsuit like they indicated on the phone, then I chickened out.  I saw all the tan and toned bodies and I just chickened out.  Also, many people had friends with them or they were couples. I was alone, which I usually don’t care about, I mean I did eat by myself on the beautiful terrace with all the other couples, but putting myself in the vulnerable position of being in a bathing suit alone, I could not do.  I was immediately disappointed as I drove away from the Spa not having taking advantage of the great hot tub.  I hate that my weight has to play any role in my life. I cannot wait till I am comfortable enough in my own skin to not care what others think.

Maybe next year on my birthday I’ll take my birthday cash and head back, and see if I fit into the robes, and confidently sink into the hot tub!

Happy Birthday to me and some math

It’s my Birthday tomorrow. I’ll be 38. When I was young that seemed so old. But I don’t feel 38. I don’t think I look 38. But, alas, I am 38. 

I am not depressed about turning another year older. Maybe that’s because I feel like I am improving my life.  This upcoming RNY surgery will be one way, and another is that I am 1/3 of the way with completing my second Master’s degree. The first I received while working full-time, and I thought that was hard.  Now I am juggling being a single mommy, full-time employee, homeowner, and trying to carve out time to spend with my BF. Oh, and so so so many hours researching for this surgery. This Master’s means so much more to me because of all the other stuff I have going on! My first Masters program I graduated with a 3.94 GPA.  I currently have a 3.3, a B+, but I am thrilled!

These things got me to start thinking a lot about numbers, and how they are all relative. You’d think I’d be more depressed turning 38 than lets say 32…but boy for some reason 32 hit me hard.

You’d think I’d be more excited by my 3.94 than by my 3.3, but not the case. 

See, numbers don’t tell the whole story.  I weighed myself this morning and I am 227 pounds. What does that say about me, really?  Will I be different at 199?  Or if I reach 150?  I don’t think so. Yes, healthier, yes more confident? But will I be that different? I guess only time will tell, but I can say I really like who I am now, and I hope that won’t change.

For my birthday I am going to spend the day with my daughter and the evening with my boyfriend to see a movie and perhaps a bite to eat.  I am happy that I am turning another year older and have wonderful people in my life. I am truly blessed.

Promise Walk

I have been overweight to obese my entire adult life, since about the age of 22/23. This has never hindered me in any majorly significant way until the birth of my daughter.  I was always able to get jobs, get boyfriends, get married (get divorced), get educated. My health was always tip-top. Until I got pregnant at 33. As I mentioned before I developed a pretty serious case of preeclampsia and HELPP syndrome. I nearly dies. My daughter nearly died from complication of prematurity. Thinking that this might have been caused by my weight still makes me sad and angry at myself. But, in all honesty researchers don’t really know what causes these medical issues during pregnancy. I am walking on June 1st in the Promise Walk, the first ever in my area.  Even though I am soooo out of shape I am going to walk for women like me and for the women who didn’t survive and for the babies born too soon because of these syndromes.

 

 

It is REALLY happening!

I got a date! I got a surgery date! August 22! Woot Woot!